100 Funny Love Quotes to Share with Your Dearest

Top 20 Funny Love Quotes

1."Love thy neighbor, just watch out for the husband" - Anonymous

2."They say true love hides behind every corner, I must be walking in circles." - Anonymous 

3."Forget the butterflies, I feel the entire zoo in my stomach when I'm with you." - Anonymous 

4."You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale." - Hussein Nishah

5."Love is like war: easy to begin but very hard to stop. " - H. L. Mencken

6."Being a good husband is like being a stand-up comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner." - Jerry Seinfeld

7."Love is an electric blanket with somebody else in control of the switch." - Cathy Carlyle

8."My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning." - Ray Romano

9."Love is the answer, but while you're waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions." - Woody Allen

10."The brain is the most outstanding organ. It works 24/7, 365 from birth until you fall in love." - Sophie Monroe

11."I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough." - Russell Brand

12."I love you so much I'd fight a bear for you. Well not a grizzly bear because they have claws, and not a panda bear because they know Kung Fu... But a care bear, I'd definitely fight a care bear for you." - Anonymous

13."People should fall in love with their eyes closed." - Andy Warhol

14."A man falls in love through his eyes, a woman through her ears " - Les Dawson

15."Love is spending the rest of your life with someone you want to kill & not doing it because you’d miss them!" - Anonymous 

16."True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked. " - Erich Segal

17."An archeologist is the best husband any woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her. " - Agatha Christie

18."I love you more than coffee, but please don't make me prove it. " - Elizabeth Evans

19."Would I rather be feared or loved? Umm… easy, both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me. " - Michael Scott, The Office

20."My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me. " - Garry Shandling

Top 21 - 50 ​Funny Love Quotes

21."All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt." - Charles M. Schulz

22."Love is a sweet dream and marriage is the alarm clock." - Jewish Proverb

23. "Gravitation can not be held responsible for people falling in love. " - Albert Einstein

24."We're like Romeo & Juliet.. Except for the dying part of course." - Justina

25."Romantic love is mental illness. But it’s a pleasurable one." - Fran Lebowitz

26."Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves." - Albert Einstein 

27."Women love a self-confident bald man." - Larry David

28."Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight." - Phyllis Diller

29."My wife and I were happy for 20 years – then we met." - Rodney Dangerfield

30."In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker. " - Woody Allen

31."My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light." - Rodney Dangerfield

32."True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen." - Francois de la Rochefoucauld

33."He makes me melt like a popsicle on the 4th of July!" - Darla, The Little Rascals

34."Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them." - Bill Maher

35."Love is fun but, it is not going to pay the bills." - Jessica Martin

36."Love is the seventh sense, which destroys all the other six senses." - Anonymous 

37."You know how people say, “you can’t live without love”? Well, oxygen is even more important." - Dr. Gregory Houser

38."Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses." - Thomas Dewar

39."The four most important words in any marriage...I'll do the dishes." - Anonymous

40."Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family." - Chelsea Handler

41."There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments." - Chris Rock

42."Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you’re in. " - Richard Jeni

43."Love is a two-way street constantly under construction. " - Carroll Bryant

44." I love you forever... but I can't live that long." - Anonymous

45."Relationships are like a walk in the park. Jurassic Park " - Anonymous

46."I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" - Jean Illsley Clarke

47."Love me and I’ll move mountains to make you happy. Hurt me and I’ll drop those mountains on your head." - Anonymous 

48."It wasn’t love at first sight. It took a full five minutes. " - Lucille Ball

49."When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s mad." - Helen Rowland

50."Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?" - Anonymous

51."Love your enemies. It makes them so damned mad." - P.D. East

52."Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you’re in." - Richard Jeni

53."I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the time he killed himself. " - Johnny Carson

54."I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury." - Groucho Marx

55."Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand. " - Anonymous

56."Love is like heaven, but it can hurt like hell." - Anonymous

57."When she’s mad, even the demons run for cover…" - Anonymous 

58."Love is like finding a needle in a hay stack!" - FaithHopeNLove

59."All I know is one of us is right and the other one is you." - Anonymous 

60."As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: You can be right or you can be happy." - Ralphie May

61."I went to a meeting for premature ejaculators. I left early." - Jack Benny

62."A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he’s finished." - Zsa Zsa Gabor

63."If you love ’em in the morning with their eyes full of crust; if you love ’em at night with their hair full of rollers, chances are, you’re in love." - Miles Davis

64."I'm now making a Jewish porno film. Ten percent sex, 90 percent guilt." - Henny Youngman

65."Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are." - Will Ferrell

66."I love being married. It's so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life." - Rita Rudner 

67."Don’t fall in love. Fall off a bridge, it hurts less." - Anonymous 

68."Men wear the pants in the relationship but women control the ZIPPER." - Anonymous 

69."Behind every angry woman stands a man who has absolutely no idea what he did wrong." - Anonymous 

70."Love is much nicer to be in than an automobile accident, a tight girdle, a higher tax bracket or a holding pattern over Philadelphia." - Judith Viorst

71."In love, somehow, a man’s heart is always either exceeding the speed limit, or getting parked in the wrong place." - Rowland

72."If you can stay in love for more than two years, you're on something." - Fran Lebowitz 

73."If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?" - Lily Tomlin

74."Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings." - David Sedaris

75."If you text 'I love you' to a person and the person writes back an emoji - no matter what that emoji is, they don't love you back." - Chelsea Peretti

76."Love is like a tornado, picks you up off your feet and sometimes takes half your house." - Anonymous

77."Give a girl a boyfriend and she becomes a total expert on relationships" - Cecily von Ziegesar

78."I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met." - Steven Wright

79."Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place. " - Billy Crystal

80."Arguing with a woman is like getting arrested. Everything you say can and will be used against you." - Anonymous 

81."Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing. " - Natasha Leggero

82."The more she turned right the more I turned wrong." - Mark W. Boyer

83."In any perfect relationship men should remember it's a matter of direction; she takes what's right and you take what's left." - Solitaire Parke

84."Say what you will about women but I think being able to turn one sentence into a six-hour argument takes talent." - Anonymous 

85."Love is a lot like a backache: it doesn't show up on X-rays, but you know it's there. " - George Burns

86."My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on." - Joan Rivers

87."My brother is gay and my parents don’t care, as long as he marries a doctor." - Elayne Boosler

88."A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days." - Tim Allen

89."The key to a successful relationship is to clear your internet history. " - Quoteistan

90."If she happens to fall, I'll be there to laugh at first and then help her up afterwards." - J.A. Redmerski

91."Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener " - Pauline Thomason

92."I had a dream that i still loved you...I think I woke up screaming." - Christine

93."Between lovers, a little confession is a dangerous thing." - Helen Rowland

94."Love doesn’t drop on you unexpectedly; you have to give off signals, sort of like an amateur radio operator." - Helen Gurley Brown

95."Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell." - Joan Crawford

96."Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe." - Jackie Mason

97."Love is the only kind of fire which is never covered by insurance." - Anonymous

98."They say that love is more important than money, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?" - Anonymous

99."If only one could tell true love from false love as one can tell mushrooms from toadstools." - Katherine Mansfield

100."Love is a mutual self-giving which ends in self-recovery. " - Fulton J. Sheen

101."My last love is just like that thong peter griffin borrowed from me... Never getting it back." - Refinnej Sin

102."Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings and lawyers." - Richard Pryor

103."Love is not having to hold in your farts anymore." - Bree Luckey

104."Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery. " - Erma Bombeck

I do hope you enjoy the list as much as I do, and if you have more quotes about this topic that doesn't make it to the list, let me know in the comment below.